Public Displays of Affection—(noun)—the vomit-inducing situation where a couple cannot control their hormones in a public domain.

Sevie—(noun)—Anyone who is younger than October Boy

Do you remember when you were a kid, the kind of games you played ? I do. Generally speaking, they involved using a great deal of imagination to pretend to be something you’re not. And that ‘something’ was the word which inspired both awe and fear in the hearts of a six-year old. Grown-ups .That, and “Bath-time!”. Playing Grown-Ups meant dressing up in adult clothes, and prancing around pretending to be a mummy, or a daddy, or a shop-assistant, or an astronaut, or a drug addict (this last one is the unfortunate result of growing up in Wollongong ).When I was a little boy, I used to dress up as a princess. Apparently this explains a lot about me.

Now when you’re a six year old, this is cute. Especially when you think that the extent of adult raunchiness is holding hands.Except if you’ve ever been to Paris, where it is impossible to look anywhere without seeing a pashing couple. Seriously, I do not recommend going there to get over a broken heart.  But when you’re in high school, if you still haven’t grown out of this, then it can cause problems. This is what I see when I walk around the playground. Kids with problems. Because they think that it somehow makes them grown-up and mature to SUCK EACH OTHER’S FACE ALL LUNCHTIME!!!

Before I continue, I must clarify. I am by no means suggesting that all sevies are like that. For a start, some of them are too busy being engrossed in their laptops (see my previous post, here). Others even find the time to be normal—they do what sevies have done since time immemorial: frolic on the field and get pushed out of the canteen line. But nonetheless, there are too many sevies pashing all over the place. It’s enough to make me fail my HSC. So here are a few reality checks for you sevies out there.

1) It does not make you grown-up. It makes you precocious sevies. Seriously, how many adults do you see making out and feeling each other up in public? None . Because it’s a very childish thing to do. Bedroom behaviour belongs in the bedroom .Not that I’d suggest that you take it into the bedroom. Definitely not. Don’t even think about it.

2) No-one wants to see it. Seriously. If you’re wondering why everyone walking past you from the canteen is throwing up their Pizza Roundas, you should seriously consider toning it down.

3) Just because you can’t get your hands off each other, does not mean you are ‘in love’, or ‘meant for each other’. All it means is you are hormonal teenagers who are the unfortunate product of an evolutionary desire to breed. But most people control that desire. It is reasonable to ask you to do the same!

4) On that note, if, as often seems to be the case, the only reason you’re pashing all the time is because you can’t think of anything worthwhile to say to each other ; the relationship’s probably not going to work out. You might as well end it now and not get glandular fever. And no, “ILY” does not count as saying anything worthwhile!

5) Mashing faces is not romantic. It is not even cute. Maybe kissing is, but trust me, what I see is not kissing. Kissing involves putting your mouth against theirs and taking it from there. Not an unco attempt at affection which results in slobbering all over each other’s chins.



So yeh. Please, for the sake of all of us, control yourself! You’ll get a lot more respect, and you’ll probably even find your love-life is better when you pry your face away from each other’s and actually start talking.

-October Boy