It’s been a while since I wrote down and sat for Smog, and it shows. I blame the laptops- and the DET-fearing paranoia that prevents me from attending to my smogly duties on it, as well as the teachers going through That Time Of The Semester, the week before reports are due and they realise they’re three assessments short. As proof, I’m writing this at 12:40 on a schoolnight, having just finished two assignments.


Now, the eternal question- what to write about? I need to make this a good one, because ENN and I have a (relatively) friendly competition to see who gets the most comments. Occasional cheating aside, we generally average around…0. Yet somehow, despite all the odds of laziness and apathy stopping the comments from flowing, she got 7. So, in short, feel quite free to add a random comment to this article. Favourite band, ice-cream flavour, anything.

But now to the actual article, and I may have just thought of a topic. If you’ve tried getting out of class recently, you’ll have noticed the small sheets of paper the teacher needs to write you. That’s right. Smith’s Hill High School now has hall passes. Those staples of cheap American teen movies are now a rock- or at least cellulose- solid reality.

Before you mentally ask, I do realise how grammatically mangled the above sentence was, and while I’m usually wincing as much as you are, it’s 12:47- no, wait, 12:48- and I can’t really care. So sue me.

Back to the hall passes. Am I the only person who considers it overkill? Occasional thefts aside, we’re still one of the safest schools in the region. Kiera High has an excuse to implement them, not us. Besides which, I can’t help question the teacher’s logic. Here’s what happens in their private little fantasy:



Evil thief #1: Here’s an idea! Let’s go steal some innocent schoolchildren’s valuables while cackling manically!

Evil thief #2: Great…but do you have a hall pass?

Evil thief #1: No! Gosh! I didn’t think of that! Our evil plan is foiled!



Here’s what happens in reality:

Evil thief #1: Here’s an idea! Let’s go steal some innocent schoolchildren’s valuables while cackling manically!

Evil thief #2: Great…but do you have a hall pass?

Evil thief #1: Here’s some blanks I stole from the teacher’s guest. Find someone who can forge the signature and pay them $5 to do the lot.

As you can see, there are the occasional slight flaws. I’m sure the teachers were well intentioned, but they haven’t yet grasped the idea that rule-breakers, by their very definition, break the rules. And so I predict, with an eye jaded by a full two and a half years of high school, that the hall-pass idea will be the worst idea since…well, the thing with the two bells. The one that was, in turn, quite possibly the worst idea since Go-for-gold.

Now that I think about it- as best I can at 11:17pm-the school would function a lot better if left to the students to run. After all, we know better than the teachers what motivates us to work, what we care about, how to make the subjects interesting, what we hate and what we just can’t work up the enthusiasm to care about. So, in order to finish my article, here’s a list of changes I would make if The Big M retired tomorrow and handed me the keys to her office:


1) Make English to at least Year 10 level compulsory. Firstly, it is almost painful to listen to the mangled English of some of our teachers. As someone who feels that the death sentence is an appropriate punishment for anybody who uses ‘youse’ as a legitimate word, it is extremely difficult to focus on anything those teachers say. And it isn’t limited to foreign teachers with English as a second language, either; my knowledge of D&T is severely stunted due to my inability to focus on anything else but the misspelling of some ingredients.


2) Introduce a get-out-of-jail-free card system. This is basically a motivator that works; for every extracurricular activity you partake in, you get an extension on any homework you want. After all, you’re giving up your time for these activities, and you deserve some of it back. The academics work harder and hand stuff in on time, while those who care more about having a life get to be part of as many groups as they like. The only problem would be people ‘joining’ a group for the card, so perhaps a check-up system is needed.


3) Make trips to Wan Long’s legal. It would introduce competition for the canteen, and good ol’ cut-throat capitalism would come into play- prices would plummet, business for ‘Wangers’ would soar, and queues would shrink. Everybody wins, except possibly Ms Chris.


4) Let the students, not the DET, pick the curriculum. How much more entertaining would English analysis be if we were picking apart the hidden meaning within the Matrix as an allegorical example of the rising pace of technology and the uncertainty it brings to our daily life, or as a take on the existential crisis that is an unalienable part of the human condition? Sure, it wouldn’t be a bundle of laughs, but it would be a lot better than doing the same for The Fifth Quest.


5) My final idea for today- well, tonight- is more languages. At the moment, as you know, we have a choice of French, English and Japanese. What about Russian? Arabic? Afrikaans? Mandarin? Spanish? Binary? Apart from being more interesting, it would encourage multiculturalism, give students more chances to express themselves and do well, and a multitude of ways to pretend to be foreign tourists if you find yourselves being yelled at by a complete stranger. Seriously, this ranks with the pretend-to-suffer-a-breakdown technique in diverting attention, with the added benefit of not having to explain yourself to the paramedics and lawyers summoned by the aforementioned stranger.


That about sums it up; now to start on my Duke of Ed Training Hike article. Actually, here’s an idea for comments- post what you would do as head of the DET and/or principal. Not my best idea, but give me credit; it’s past 11:30 pm. See you all next week,

--Eric M.






This article was written for Smog by a third party and does not necessarily represent the views of Smogblog or its management