Ok lovelies...just a warning...there is about to be a copious amount of Justin Bieber Hating.
Great- the word “Bieber” has a red squiggly line underneath it. This is one time that I will not let my OCD get the best of me. Oh- “OCD” has a red squiggly line too? It’s trying to make me to change it to “COD” (if you are of the male species you will think it is Call of Duty but to the rest of us it’s some kind of fish.) I am adding “OCD” to my dictionary now but I blatantly refuse to add “Bieber” to my dictionary. I feel like every time I type the word “Bieber” my computer gets another virus. I’m sorry computer...I still love you...oooh and now I am pressing “ignore “Bieber”...but back to my topic (yes, I have ADHD, OCD and possibly COD).
You thought Twilight fans were crazy?
Check out the Justin Bieber fans. Just recently in Sydney, and outdoor JB (it stands for Justin Biebster now, not the Jonas Brothers-hellooooo-they were so 2009!) concert was scheduled. Well some of the the highly intelligent parents of those infatuated with “the beaver” himself did the following:
• Allowed their 10, 11, 12 and 13 year-old children camp overnight in Darling Harbour unsupervised. (ABANDONMENT)
• Booked into the same hotel as JB in a sad attempt to see him wandering around the lobby/hallways. Some girls rode the elevator all night in hopes of catching a glimpse of him. (STALKING)
• Attempted to pressure and/or bribe police into letting their daughter’s to the front of the mosh pit. (ATTEMPTED CORRUPTION)
...And they were just the parents. Now the actually screamy fans went insane:
• Refused to listen to police instruction to prevent injury (DISGREGARD FOR LAW AND SAFETY OF OTHERS)
• Held up signs asking JB to “be my forever”, “marry me” and “kiss me, I promise I won’t tell”. (IN SOME CASES PAEDOPHILIA-and all round being a desperate loser)
• Pushed over innocent bystander-making them drop sandwiches- just to watch an advertisement for Justin Bieber on Sunrise. (GRIEVOUS BODILY HARM AND POSSIBLY STARVATION RESULTING FROM SANDWICH-LOSS).
How much more do you need? That’s enough to put them all in jail for several years...but if, like us, you feel that they deserve something more, here’s a few more-
- They have been cyber-bullying Miley Cyrus fans, who admittedly did deserve it...but hey. It’s Bieber fans. They don’t deserve the satisfaction. Oh, and would you look at that. Apparently ‘Miley’ isn’t a word either, so at least my computer has some taste.
- Noise pollution. It’s theoretically possible that Bieber, if you lowered it about two octaves, and played it quietly, while humming, it might- MIGHT- be tolerable. But at midnight? Out of giant speakers? In all of his hyper-sonic, off-key, window-smashing, eye-popping, teeth-gnashing, exaggeration-inspiring, hyphen-requiring Canadian horror? There has to be some kind of law against that, possibly in the Geneva Convention. Wasn’t there something about ‘cruel and unusual punishment’ in there somewhere?
- Illegal immigration. I figure that that given the sheer statistical unlikelihood of being able to find 3000 Australian who actually like Justin Bieber, or even who would stoop low enough for him to hire as fake fans, his only option is to specially import them from North America. To the best of my knowledge, there hasn’t been a sudden spike in the immigration rate of deluded tweenyboppers from the US of A, so he must have gotten them in some other way; perhaps he smuggled them through in diplomatic bags, or parachute-dropped them out of planes into the middle of the Simpson. Who knows?

But surely he must be good for something- or so you would think. Here are some options-

- A member of a choir, possibly as a castratto, or soprano. Could be a bit tricky soon, however, as there’s a rumour his voice might finally be starting to break. About three years or more after it should.
- His music could be piped into Guantanamo Bay. On one hand, it would be many times more effective than any amount of waterboarding, but not even hardened CIA veterans would sink that low. Perhaps they could call in a lawyer to do it for them.

So, for lack of any other cheap shots to make, I should probably call it a day. Or night. Whatever. However, I need to keep on typing for the next 10 words, so I can reach 750. I blame my COD.


Note: This article was written jointly by ENN and Eric M, and therefore does not necessarily represent the views of Smogblog or its’ administrators.